clear with the moon and stars shining bright
I meet up with him at his house
a few of our friends waiting
the smell of chicken and potatoes filling the house
(well what I would smell over the make up under my nose)
he handed my the beautiful flower
slid it on my wrist
it was purple and white even matched my purple dress
(and his striped tie)
after dinner we went off the school
it was so cool
and beautiful inside
glossy white cloth with little ballerina pink flowers everywhere
everyone was dressed up the best they could
just like they should
we walked in
me and him
feeling the boom of the music in our guts
me praying I wouldn’t be a klutz
the boom subsided and the slow song came on
you know that I'm going to throw up but in a good way feeling
you get when you get nervous but excited
as I looked up at him it got worse
do you wanna dance with me he decided to blurt
the warmth of his arms and the smell of his shirt
his old spice and boy smell
made the night just that much more memorable
and him much more loveable
if it were me i would take the lines well what i would smell over the make up under my nose; and his striped tie out of perenthasies and just say them
ReplyDeleteI liked your use of "subliminal" comments, if that's the right word, and your distinct voice in this poem. It kept the poem interesting. :)
ReplyDeleteLike the second line
ReplyDeleteThe poem protrays the memory very well
I would use more colorfull language
Rand Hillyer